3 words, 8 letters; say it and I’m yours.
I CRY…
I get HURT.
I SUFFER.
The CRUCIAL TRUTH lies beneath.
It’s hard to DENY.
No covering up of EMOTIONS.
NO LIES.
NO PRETENSIONS.
Only the SAD TRUTH.
Slowly, I am getting tired.
But I still try to FIGHT.
and then, at the end of everyday, there is just one question which LINGERS in my MIND…
IS IT EVEN WORTH IT?
Ok. There. I let my guard. Even for just a bit. And this is what happens…
I don’t want to get into nitty-gritty of it all, I’ll definitely bore anyone to death but as I said, I took a deep breath and let down my guard and everything turned out great…until now. It’s not final though, it’s just that I was once again made to realize that loving is not all about that giddy feeling and the perpetual-slash-perma-smil
“Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything. “
Love is a test of character and in my case it’s a test of how far I’m willing to go and change (for the better). I’m proud and not ashamed to admit it. I hold on to my principles and beliefs too strongly that I often fail to see that it’s possible to have a different angle or two sides on the same side of the coin. I’m awfully stubborn too. And admit it, being stubborn and proud isn’t exactly the best combination.
What I’ve learned from this experience? Love can be shitty. You find obstacles and sudden dead-ends that you never foresaw. And you bump into it in one swift motion. Frustrating! It’s like you’d want to take U-turn and wish real hard that you never fell in love. But wake up! Life isn’t some video or game or car ride. Face it. Let it sink in and yes, you may feel hurt or betrayed, lost and confused but when I felt all those things I realized no matter how immortal I may feel, how jaded I may seem, or how strong I may be, I felt at that moment VULNERABLE. Even the greatest superheroes have their frailties and weaknesses, even superheroes fall in love. And in that they become mortal, no different from me, no different from you.
Is love the great equalizer? The great “humanizer”?
I dunno. I say it brings people together yet sets them apart.
No matter how much you try to steer yourself away from the pain, it gets to you sooner or later because we are, after all, human.
This is what happens if I let down my guard but as my friend said, “what’s the use of loving if you don’t show it?” and yeah, showing it entails me understanding first how it is to love…
So right now, I’m in the dumps…tomorrow perhaps will be another story.
i’m like a kid. i still strongly believe in happily-ever-afters and fairy tales. i can’t help it. i’ve been brought up to believe in happy endings and that dreams do come true. naive,huh? and utterly foolish. mock me if you will and call me idealistic but i realized that it is this hoping with childlike audacity that makes me who i am: a person who imagines the perfect moments and creates in her head a projected image of who she aspires to be. well, basically it’s all in the head and i read that imagination is merely the ignition while determination is the engine. but i long ago learned that not everything turns out the way we’ve envisioned it to be. i will contradict a popular line from the book, the alchemist, that goes along the lines of: when you want something, the universe conspires for you to achieve it…” it’s not exactly verbatim but you get what it says. but as i mentioned i will contradict it because i think it goes the other way around, that the world conspires against you so that you may not be able to achieve your perfect person or whatever end it is you pursue. i know it’s such an unhumanistic and pessimistic perspective but i think it’s true. so my point? ok, i’m getting there…no matter how frustrating things turn out, i become my hopeful self and say maybe God has better plans for me…and that happy ending is on its way.
so everything you so perfectly pictured to the littlest detail in your mind doesn’t exactly end, go, or begin the way you wanted it to but it doesn’t mean there’s no happy ending, for me the secret it is like a jigsaw puzzle, an image that’s undefined, vague, and missing. keep that missing part of the puzzle clear and at one point the missing piece would soon find its way and you’ll get a clearer, fuller and complete picture of what you’ve been waiting for. and you’ll realize its perfect. you have to keep the space (in your heart) clear just like in that jigsaw and when that “moment” arises, you just know without knowing why that it’s the perfect piece you’ve been missing. but don’t rush to fill in that gap because i think it is in the search for that piece that gives you a clue, an inkling, of how that missing piece should be. making any sense? just don’t substitute the missing piece for something that fits somehow but not snugly and precisely because there will always be a gap, an empty space but too small enough to fill.
so right now, that “perfect fit” hasn’t come yet…maybe that puzzle piece isn’t the right one, right now, or even right one in the future, and eventhough that wrong piece finds it’s way to the space you’ve been saving, as much as it hurts, learn to let go because you know in your heart, someone/something better will fit perfectly. 
ok. so now I’m here sitting not even sure if I’m going to create an oh-so-nice blog entry since everything fell apart just some minutes ago. and yeah, fell apart, some minutes ago. so that’ll give you the idea that I was just effin’ happy before that some minutes ago scenario.crap. my fault though, I shouldn’t have checked out his profile. lame me. ok, shout at me like, “shayne you are effin lame to even check out his profile! you know what to expect from there!”. ok now, I’m getting there. realizing that I am pathetically lame to check it evry once in a while. ok, every day. darn it. why can’t I get rid of him? so, every single word i saw from there is haunting me as of the moment. lame! promises. chocolates. being with you. name it! then kill me now. oh please! can someone stab me from my peaceful yet not peaceful sleep tonight? I’ll give you a price for that. ugh!
alright, now maybe when the people who knows what I’m going through right now and the people involved here read this.. I bet they’ll like laught if off or utter: crap shayne! stop that fucking thing. it’s useless and senseless. alright, alright. we’re there. it’s useless. senseless and it’s fuck. but how can I possibly do away with it when everytime I see his picture it just swallows the entire me. call me whatever you want, I wouldn’t care! I’m just being vocal about certain things. you know, they bug me. ok they annoy the hell out of the bitch in me. but every time those sweet lips and those god-awfully cute puppy eyes pops out my mind it just melts the hell out of the bitch in me. which is the sweetest bullshit I’ve ever felt. I can’t believe I’m losing my sanity over those crappy-cute sweet nothings from him. I shouldn’t be right? It’s just so shitty hard. Ok it’s not as hard as swallowing a huge piece of jawbreaker, but it’s hard as giving away your favorite shirt to someone who can actually use it and take care of it more than you did.
Ouch. is.all.I.can.say. and I say it’s hell! what did I do to deserve this? I mean yeah, people need to feel the need to sacrifice something over a thing. but, heck. I have been like sacrificing a lot. and I mean, A LOT. sacrificed my happiness for my birthday over that break up thing the morning of my birthday. the i-forgot-that-it-was-your-birthday lines. i actually sacrificed my birthday. just to handle everything that unexpectedly came. oh maybe it was a gift from the evil side of my world. yeah, thank you for those. I aprreciated you making me goddamn sad. and screwed up. and yeah, fucked the hell up. I don’t want to vent everything out in here. so I’ll just stop here and pray to GOD that hopefully when I wake up from this nightmare. I will be more than OKAY. :T
